KITTY KILLER!
by NinjaMonkeyPiratesROCK
Summary: goes along with my notes story...Jasper has a problem with cats! He's always killing them, either accidentally, or on purpose. Find out about the short lives and deaths of the 29 kitties he killed
1. Diamond

-1**a/n hola!!! This is a fanfic that goes along with my notes story, and is all about Jasper and all the kitties, and I mean house cat's, that he's killed. This is only going to be 29 chapters, and to read this, please read up to chapter 11 in my notes story, cuz that's when you find out about it!! So here it goes…I hope you like it!! Give me ideas on how kitties should die, ok? I wanna mix it up a bit!! I think one might fall off the roof…cuz Jasper pushed it…cuz he was jealous…or something like that!! Going on now!!!**

**DISCLAIMER: do I look like Stephenie meyer? NO but I do look like Bella! If she was 13, had glasses, wasn't dating a hot vampire, wasn't starred in a book, was named Katie…blah blah…**

KITTY KILLER!

It is the first week after Alice discovered what shopping was, and she brought home this pretty little kitty. The kitty was a girl, and had a pink nose, pink paws, wide, green eyes, and a cute little tale. She was a black and white cat, all her paws were black, all the way up to the upper leg, on all four legs, she had a black tail. Her face was white, with one black ear, her chin was black. Her belly was white, with a black muzzle, and she had a white back, with the exception of a big black diamond shape in the center.

The kitty was very hyper, a lot of the time, and this drove Jasper crazy. He was hyper all the time around this kitty, and hated it!! He couldn't get near Alice with her hyper-ness, because he would probably be mentally damaged for life!!

One day, everyone was out hunting, except for Jasper, who went the night before because he had been on the verge of killing. He was waiting at home, the cat fast asleep, when Alice showed up. She told him that she was done, and her eyes told him the same thing. He was just sitting there, while she was showing him, with great enthusiasm, some cute dresses, that barely covered her up. He was sitting there watching her in a good mood, her being hyper at the same time, when the cat woke up.

"Um…we have a problem…" is all he could get out, even at vampire speed before he started running around the house, at vampire speed. He ran the same course that kitty had run. He was catching up with kitty, when she saw a mouse and got even MORE hyper.

"RUN!" is all he could get out this time, before he started going so crazy, he was chasing his non-existent tail! He was running and running so fast, that he didn't even feel it when he stepped on kitty…

"crack" "MEO-" (dieing kitty sounds)

"EEEEEEEK!!! Next time I get a cat, Jasper, remind me to get a LAZY one!" Alice said while running over to kitty and cleaning the mess up.

Alice learned… hyper Alice (plus) super-hyper kitty (equals) JASPER GO BOOM!!!!

Kitties grave:

Here lies a kitty named Diamond;

May her kitty soul rest in peace,

And may no more hyper kitties get near Jasper and a hyper Alice at the same time!

**a/n good? Bad? Horrible? So bad that your eyes are bleeding? So good that your choking on laughter? Tell me!!! Even if it's the third option, at least I know that it isn't the best story I made!! And I know it's short, that's why I'm adding a kitties grave and what someone learned section! Any new ideas for a title? I like this one cuz it matches with what he's called, but if you hate it, tell me!!**

**-Katie the kitty lover!!!!!**


	2. Simon

-1**a/n I have realized that the chorus of the song, The Reason, by Hoobastank, could fit Jasper and Alice, well, Jasper to Alice, look, ****I found a reason for me…to change who I used to be…a reason to start over new…and the reason is you…**** cuz he stopped being a human drinker for her!! Even though it's hard for him!!! So yeah…the only reason your getting this chapter today is for all the 3 reviewers, I tried to do better, but if it's still not that good, just tell me again, and again, until I get the point...THANKS REVIEWERS!! For some reason, writing in all caps gets me giddy…I LOVE GIDDY!! Well, I wrote that to be giddy, but it didn't help…I think it needs to be funny in my mind…that is SO not funny! Now that kinda was…to me…GOING ON!! Any ideas for kitties? Or ways to die?? I don't want to do the one where Jasper was jealous and stuff until later…so I need some ideas…I'll shut up now and write your story!!**

**DISCLAIMER: who are you? FAN fiction, FAN!!**

KITTY KILLER!

It was mid-july when Emmett brought home a kitty.

"Emmett? That's Alice's job…" they all said

"Well, who CARES!! This kitty looks like Garfield!!!" Emmett answered

"but not as fat…" said Alice.

"And with soft, fluffy fur!" Rosalie added.

"And a really scared look in his eyes!!" Bella added.

"And trying to escape…" Alice concluded.

"it kinda does…" they all said, but one…

"That's cuz it's Garfield's brother!" Edward pointed out

"Really? Then why is he homeless???" Emmett asked

"Look around his neck!!! You idiot!!" Alice answered, finding the diamond collar.

"what? He has a bunch of rocks that got thrown at him stuck to a belt!" Emmett answered, and added, "with the words Garfield's brother, Simon on the tag…"

"Now we have to return it." Jasper says.

"NO!! kitty really likes me!!" as he is saying this, kitty is trying to get away, and finally does, cuz Emmett thinks he wants food. As soon as he's off, he jumps on Jasper, making Jasper look like he's wearing a fur backpack backwards.

A few minutes of laughter from almost everyone but Emmett who is sulking on the couch, and Jasper, who is doing something mysterious. When they all stop, they see blood all over Jaspers teeth and lips.

"What? Brothers-to-famous-cats are my favorite kind of cat!!!"

Emmett learned: almost famous cat (plus) Jasper (equals) bubuy almost famous kitty!!

On his grave:

Here lies Garfield's so-less-famous brother, Simon

May he be famous in heaven,

And my no other relatives of Garfield's meet Jasper.

**a/n ok, here you go!!! I changed the ending of his rip stone like, 5 times, and I changed his name like, 3 times and the middle 2 times!! It was hard to come up with!! Can someone please review?! More funny dead cats come if you review!! Oh, and I almost forgot, does anyone wanna be my beta? I think I need one...for this story...not my best work...REVIEW!**


	3. Gem

**a/n First thing's first, SO SO SORRY SO SO SORRY SO SO SORRY!! That it took me so long to update!! I thought that I updated it, and then I had to wait for a chance on the computer I saved this chaper on, and all that, so I just got the chance now, and I am writing chapter 4 as you read, so read soon. but you may have to wait a little bit!**

**now the real business; I'm kinda low on ideas, I may be using one of my cat's soon, but give me some ideas!!!! I love reviews, so continue with them!! This story is one of my most successful stories, I got 12 reviews for my first 2 chapters!! That is so awesome!! So keep reviewing!! I'll shut up now!!! READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!**

KITTY KILLER!

Esme went to the pet store one day, just to look at the cats, not to buy, but like any animal lover, she couldn't help herself! She had bought a cat that looked so sweet, pure white, fluffy fur, and blue, strong, eyes. She looked like a cat of the gods, as an ancient Greek might have said.

When she brought home this little kitty, all the Cullen girls came to adore it, Emmett even came to look at it!

Alice loved this cat so much, she dressed it in beautiful clothes, the cat owned the most expensive cat bed they could find, and a kitty play-ground. In fact, the cat had it's own room, full of toys, the cat bed, the playground, a litter box encrusted with diamonds, and food and water dishes, also encrusted with diamonds. She had the most expensive food in the market, and her water was from Ice Mountain.

At first, none of the guys cared that all the girls were paying more attention to the cat. Edward didn't at all, because he didn't have a girl**(remember, this is before twilight) **to love. Carlisle didn't care because he knew that Esme loved him more, and Emmett, well, you could consider him one of the 'girls'.

After about 3 weeks, Jasper was always annoyed at the cat, and officially hated the cat. One day, when no one was paying attention, and Alice was away in Greece, getting stuff for the cat, Jasper snuck on the roof with kitty in his arms, and ran kitty off the roof. To go squat on the ground.

A few milliseconds later, Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme ran up onto the roof and yelled all together "NOOOOOOOOOO!!" and attacked him, shredding him and then letting him heal, to be shredded up again by Alice when she got home.

Esme learned: never go to a pet store again, or you will buy a kitty, and then the kitty will be loved, and then killed.

Kitties grave:

Here lies Gem.

May he rest in peace and may no other kitties get on Jaspers' bad side

**a/n how did you like it?? A picture of kitty can be found on my profile, with the rest of my junk…just look for it. Thanks!!**


	4. Midnight

-1**a/n sorry for the long waits lately. I don't know why, but every time I add a chapter, it says I didn't! so now I am adding this to say sorry to the max. This chapter is the idea of MoonChild101713. Here it is!!**

KITTY KILLER!

The family had just moved to an area south of Rochester, and all these animals were around. No one had thought to bring a kitty home, but they came anyway.

One day, a cat, owned by Mariah Atkinson**(that's my sisters' username) **came home with Alice, who was dressed as Snow White for some reason.

The cat never wanted to leave. One day, Rosalie was mad because she saw someone who looked a bit like Royce, so she told Emmett she would not do some special 'things' with him. He was felt like being rude after that, and did it.

At the same time, Mariahs cat was annoying Jasper.

Emmett walked in, feeling like being mean so much, that Jasper had to be mean. he tried to get away from kitty, or Emmett, but they both followed him, Emmett causing destruction that would get him grounded from Esme, Rosalie, or both of them later.

Soon, Jasper gave up. He turned around, on the cat, grabbed the cat's tailed, and yanked the cat over his head with vampire speed, and then threw the sleek, black, cat across the room, breaking a door, and through the unused kitchen, and the unused dining room, and then through a window, where it landed with a thud.

Seconds later, they were both at the cat, Emmett not feeling like being mean, and Jasper now sending off waved of fear. Just milliseconds later, Rosalie, Esme, and Alice showed up. They cried for a few seconds for their friend, then got really mad, Esme told both boys they were grounded, and had to help her fix the house. Rosalie and Alice told them that they had to stay away from their wives, no kissing, hugging, or reaching any base until the house was fixed.

They said, at the exact same time, "NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!"

Emmett learned…when a kitty is in the house, and annoying Jasper, don't go near Jasper feeling like being mean

Kitties grave:

Here lies Midnight, Mariah Atkinson's cat

May he rest in peace, and

May no other kitties come across an angered Emmett and annoyed Jasper at the same time.

**a/n ok, not as much as I thought it would be, but at least it's something! And that's the longest grave I ever made! I had an idea, I will never make Jasper learn anything at the end of the chapters, until the very last chapter, where his will be after the grave, and whoever else put kitty in situation will be above. That isn't my cat, and just imagine it, cuz I didn't even realize that I was missing a description until I wrote it, and didn't feel like writing something long right there. Any betas? I had one person, but her dad said she couldn't…but that's ok with me! Any takers?? Please??**


	5. Brightheart

-1**a/n as I promised on my notes story, I am doing this one, and then I may work on a oneshot. I don't think I've seen one like it before, and if there are more like it, who cares!**

KITTY KILLER!

It was just an average day in the Cullen house. They are all there, but Carlisle, who was at vet school, the newest section of medical school he decided to try out. He was working with a cat, who was homeless, but pretty much fine, other than needing some food and a lot of baths.

He decided to take home this white cat, who had a yellow section near one eye and all over her belly and chin.

When he got kitty home, they were all happy to have a replacement for the kitty that soon became one of Jaspers' victims. But, there was no hope for poor kitty. No hope at all.

It turned out that kitty had cracked paws, and only on his second day in his new home, now fully bathed and accessorized, thanks to Alice, they started to bleed. Jasper was too hungry, really hungry.

In less than a half second, Jasper was gone from his place next to Alice, and next to kitty. Another half second later, they all heard a cracking sound. And kitties heartbeat was gone, and Jasper was drinking out of her.

Jasper looked up, to see all of the girls in his family, and the quite feminine**(even with his muscles) **Emmett, glaring at him. Carlisle was laughing, and Edward was still on the couch, listening to some music, through his CD player**(mp3 players weren't made yet). **he said, "What? It's the cats fault! If she didn't bleed, she would have lived about one day more!" as if that was such a big deal.

Carlisle's lesson: don't bring home any animals, especially cats, unless they have no cracked feet--no, don't bring any animals home at all.

Kitties grave:

Here lies Brightheart

May she rest in peace, and…

May no other cats come across Carlisle in a vet clinic, and be brought home to a hungry Jasper.

**a/n warrior fans?? Any out there?? Well, it's not as good as Twilight…but still, read it, and by the second series…or is it third?…you will know that I got Brightheart's name and part of her looks from that.**


	6. Rusty

-1**a/n I wasn't going to write more in this one, or any others, until I had finished What about me? But I let a friend borrow it, and stuff…now I need to either borrow a copy from someone, or just wait. READ AND REVIEW TO IT PLEASE!! Oh, and this one is Warriors related…the name and stuff…**

KITTY KILLER!

It was a normal day in the Cullen residence. Jasper was bored, so he bought a cat, thinking that it was about time that he learned how to NOT kill ever single cat who came his way.

The cat he got was all orange, with green eyes. The cat like the wild, so Jasper took kitty out to the forest, to see what this little kitty could do.

The cat was good at hunting, and was making a lot of animals bleed. This was really annoying Jasper. He would crack soon, if he didn't do something to help.

He started to kick a tree, really hard, and had accidentally kicked it over.

"Oops." he said, then added, "kitty kitty? Where are you? Did I scare you?"

He started looking everywhere, and then thought…he should look under the tree…

He did, and under the tree, was a squished, orange kitty…who looked more red, with blood.

Jasper ran home, at vampire speed, and started sobbing at the death of kitty.

Alice hugged him, and said there there, and other comforting things, until he could speak.

"What happened?" she asked.

"k-ki-KITTY IS DEAD!" he went into sobs again, while Alice sighed, rolled her eyes, and said… "ANOTHER cat?"

Jasper learned: The next time he wants to take a cat he got hunting because the cat was hyper about the forest, DON'T! In fact, don't even GET another cat!

Grave:

Here lies Rusty,

May he rest in peace, and…

May no other cats be taken into a forest with Jasper, because Jasper wanted to see if they were any good at hunting.

**a/n ha! The main character of Warriors!! Don't I rock at mixing Warriors in?? if any of you who have read both want a certain Warriors character in, just tell me. I already have an idea for Smudge…to you who haven't read Twilight, he's a kitty-pet, or house cat, that is very lazy in later books…or maybe I could do Princess(Rusty's kitty-pet sister, cuz stuff happens…) if you have death ideas for cats too, review!!! If you have an idea for a cat from warriors' death, for a certain cat, do both! I don't care!!! OK now, I must shut up, and update already!**


	7. Nightcloud

-1**a/n OOOOOMMMMGGGGODSH!!!! Thanks to Silverstars Shadow, for this stinkin FUNNY idea!!! Oh, and if any of you want to kill a cat from Warriors, tell me what books they're from, I haven't read them in a while, so I may need to search them, but I found this cat easily!!**

KITTY KILLER!

It was near Halloween, and Alice was going all out. She bought a black cat, and made the cat sit next to Jasper, who was going to be the serial killer, who kills with knifes, during the haunted house.

During practice, Jasper threw a knife in the air. Alice came in, and kissed him, making him forget his knife, in the air.

The knife flew to the store, onto kitties tail, cutting it, almost all the way off.

Jasper didn't go hunting in the last few days, so this was a problem. He went crazy, and drained kitty of blood, through the whole in kitties tail…that he made…not the tail…the whole…

Once kitty was bloodless, he went to bury kitties carcass.

He accidentally tripped, on the same thing Bella always trips on, his shadow, and kitty fell across the room to the wood chipper, that was there because Esme was going to pretend to shove body parts into it, for the haunted house.

After wirring and wheeing and stuff from the machine, fur, and skin and other kitty body parts came out one side.

Jasper said his favorite word out there…**(a/n think you can guess?) **"OOPS!!!!"

Emmett walked in, he was a bear, no duh, and told Jasper that drinking the blood of a black cat gives you back luck, and makes you a major klutz.**(a/n sound like a certain lucky human who got to be with Edward to you?)**

Alice learned: NEVER put Jasper with knives and a cat, near each other and come kiss Jasper when a knife in in the air.

Grave:

Here lies Nightcloud,

May she rest in peace, and…

May no cats be near a lust filled Alice, and Jasper throwing knives.

**A/n like it, love it, hate it? you know the drill!! oh, and PLEASE read What about me? for me!! and review!! I NEED some reviews!!**


	8. Mary Moo CatCow

-1**a/n ok, I COULD be reading a fanfic, but I need to get this chapter down, and update the story NOW before I loose it!! Thanks to the two people, because I am mixing stuff together:**

**Moo moo cows: cuz I just had to use something to do with cows in this one, it just popped into my odd mind!**

**Topaz Eyes Sing My Lullaby: cuz, I'm using your idea!!**

**Also, I would like to say this: YOU PEEPS ROCK!! I'm so happy! I get sooo many reviews for this chapter!! Oh, could you PLEASE read and review to my Rosalie Story? It may be Rosalie-ish, but I really need to get it finished, and I'm all un-encouraged to finish it, and stuffs…I love you all for reviewing!!**

KITTY KILLER!

It was not too normal of a day for the Cullens. They went to a farm for fun, because Alice saw them going. The boys were all dressed as farmers, flannel shirts, overalls, and straw hats, to finish the look. The girls were dressed as cows. Esme's cow costume was a meat cow, not a milk cow, and all brown. Rosalie was a normal milk cow, with black smudge like spots all over. Alice was a baby-cow, oddly enough.

By the time their odd visit was done, Alice was all cow-crazy. She kept saying moo, before and after every statement she made.

"Mooo, Carlisle, stop at the pet store, mooo!" she said.

"Why, Alice, would be do that?" Carlisle asked her.

"MMOOOO! To get a cat! Mooo!" she said, and then giggled.

When they got there, Alice found a cat that had big black spots all over. She made them get it!

When they were home, Jasper went up stairs to get a book. It was new, a story about the civil war, and he wanted to read it. Alice made kitty sit down on the couch.

Jasper came down stairs and everyone had gone out again, but the cat, to get the cats stuff. Jasper got comfy on the couch, and started to read.

Alice came in, skipping, with a cow-patterned pet-shirt that said 'moo' on it. She stopped dead when she saw Jasper on the couch, reading.

"Uh…Jasper?" she said.

"Yes, Alice?" Jasper said back.

"Do you hear the cats heart?" she asked him.

"No, the cat's not…" he stopped short when he could smell the cat, but not hear it's heart beat.

"Jasper…get…up…now…" Alice was ticked off now, Jasper DID NOT kill ANOTHER cat!

When Jasper did though, there was the remains of a cow-like cat…all squished.

"Oops…sorry Alice…" Jasper said, sheepishly.

"YOU KILLED ANOTHER CAT!" Alice said, thoroughly annoyed at Jasper.

The rest of the family came in. "Ooooh…Jasper's in trouble!" Emmett said, then started to sing 'Jasper's in trouble! Jasper's in trouble!' over and over again.

All the Cullens other than Jasper learned: don't leave Jasper alone in the house with a cat.

Grave:

Here lies Mary Moo Cat-Cow

May she not be made fun of in heaven, and…

May no other cats be left at the Cullen house with Jasper reading a book and getting so into it that he isn't paying attention to anything.


	9. Smudge

-1**a/n YO! I need more ideas, PLEASE!! Oh, and any other request for Warrior cat deaths?? PLEASE review my awesome review peeps!!! Here is a new installment of the deaths of many kitties, all killed by Jasper…**

KITTY KILLER!

Another odd day in the history of the Cullens world. Alice was bored, so went a stole a cat from a house in Washington DC. The cat was white, with black smudges everywhere.

Jasper was bored, so went to the book store, and picked up three random books, without looking at them. He sat down on the couch when he got home and got comfy.

Kitty laid down on the floor next to Jasper, and was napping when…

Jasper opened the book, realizing that it was about all the missing people from the confederacy that there were still no bodies for. He was on the W's soon, and saw the last name Whitlock.

As soon as he did, he saw a picture of him as a human, and the name Jasper. He was so surprised that he fell off the couch and landed on the floor next to it.

He heard a snap, and got up. He looked at where he was, seeing the indent of his elbow in the cat's neck.

He said, for the ninth time or so, "Oops…"

As all the family came in, Alice ran to kitty and started to cry.

Alice learned: DO NOT steal cats, because then you have to get a replacement when your vampire husband lands on kitty.

Grave:

Here lies Smudge.

May he rest in peace, and…

May not other cats be near Jasper when he realizes that books still mention him as a missing person who was never found and junk…

**a/n warriors name again!! This time it was a kitty-pet, or house cat, if you don't remember me telling you what a kitty-pet was before. Let's pretend that warriors took place in DC, and that stuff…this will be a while later. Maybe I will have the cat that replaced Rusty get killed too…hmm…or maybe Princess…or Whitecloud…or maybe even Spottedleaf!! That would be sad…I don't know…just tell me who you want to be killed! OOH! I am going to kill Brokenstar/tail!! Yay!! The evil creature will die!! Or tigerstar…tawnypelt?**


	10. Ashfur

-1**a/n YO PEEPS!! Sorry…felt like saying that…ok, I have three chapters today, for you, unless I get another idea, then I have four…or more…but for now, it's 3!!! Yeah, I was disappointed in the number of reviews last chapter…I only got three…you're SOO lucky that I don't have my book, so I can only do this one and my notes story right now…REVIEW PEEPS!!! Yeah, so review!! I'm confuzzled…what was I going to say??…oh well, just peeps, review!! YOU HEARD ME PEEPS REVIEW!!!!!!! Or I won't put up more than these three, that I have planned…now I shall shut up, and get to the death of kitty writing!**

KITTY KILLER!

It was a normal day…or not so much…at the Cullen household. The Cullens were going to a coocoo house, because a certain vampire got put in it…cough Emmett cough…after singing 'Witch Doctor' repeatedly and refusing to shut up and going to every store in the whole town…and saying he was a pretty little princess…and pretty little vampire fairy princess…with pink wings and a tutu…

When they got home, Emmett was still acting like he belonged in the coocoo house…maybe he did?

Well, the point is that for some stupid reason, Rosalie got a cat…supposedly to replace Emmett…well, the cat had dark, almost black, but not, fur. Ashy, kinda. Rosalie had put him in a blue sweater…because she's just SOO fashionable…

The point is…

Emmett was going crazy, like seriously, and an old man in the coocoo hutch escaped, and followed them home. The old man was in the civil war, and had hallucinations of the civil war.

Jasper got too close, and started going crazy. He got his guns, and started practicing shooting, after overturning half the house…to make a fort. He was pretending to be in a battle, and was shooting at anyone that was wearing blue…which was everyone, for some odd reason, but Edward, Alice, and the coocoo person…

Jasper yelled at the rest of them not in blue to get weapons, and the coocoo head did. Because he's coocoo like that!

Edward and Alice did, for the sake of not being yelled at by Jasper, called a 'traitor' and shot at by Jasper, and the coocoo head.

Jasper was shooting, and it was a non-bloody mess. When the cat came and walked across the 'battle field' for no reason…

Jasper shot the cat.

And then Edward knocked out the crazy person!!!!!

Jasper got uncrazy, stood up, and asked…"What happened here?!" and then saw the cat, and said…"Let me guess, I should be saying 'Oops'?"

They all nodded, and he said Oops! And then Rosalie attacked him and said…"HOW DARE YOU KILL MY REPLACEMENT LOVER!! ESPECIALLY WHEN MY REAL LOVER IS A COOCOO IDIOT AT THE MOMENT!!!!"

Emmett learned: Don't go crazy!! Or Rosalie will replace you…and then the replacement will die…cuz Jasper's an idiot…

Grave:

Here lies Ashfur,

May he rest in peace(or not) and…

May no other cats be bought as a replacement Emmett cuz Emmett was put in a coocoo hut, and then a crazy dude escapes and makes Jasper be coocoo too, and Jasper starts thinking that the cat's an enemy…just cuz Rosalie put a blue sweater on him…

**a/n don't ask me…I think I went crazy…when he said Oops, and was gonna put stuff like, OOH LA LA! SO AMAZING!! But I didn't feel like it! So shut up!! No, sorry…I think I'm going crazy…dang it…**


	11. Minime Edward

-1**a/n YO! Chappy 2 for the day!! YAYZERZ!!! Ok, now, read this, and the next, when I get it on…REVIEW…and then read my Rosalie story!! YAY!!! Ok…now to get to da chappy!!**

KITTY KILLER!

Today actually WAS a normal day at the Cullens! Other than the fact that Edward was lonely, and got a kitty…and everyone was getting hyper lately…

Well…the story goes like this…

'Twas the night before the next day…

And vampires and cats were about (in the Cullen house)

Everyone was hyper, and that made Jasper hyper…

Jasper started to sing…in an oh-so-crazy-and-weird-and-so-on voice, 'Witch Doctor' to be exact, the OOH EEH OOH AH AH part!!

"OOH EEH OOH AH AH TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG!!" the crazy vampire sang, over and over again…while dancing…not really…have you ever seen someone bounce off walls? Well…he was literally doing that…but making dents in the walls…which made Esme oh-so-mad!

Back to the story…

The kitty, that was white almost everywhere, but the top of his head, which was Edwards' hair color! Was running around…being a weirdo…and Jasper started bouncing up and down at super speed hitting the ceiling and floor…making dents…and Esme being even more mad…when kitty, not paying attention walked under Jasper in all his coocoo glory!

Kitty got squished…sad…I know…

Everyone was uncrazy after that, cuz Edward said…"NOOOOOO!!! THE ONLY THING I HAVE EVER LOVED OTHER THAN MY FAMILY!!! GONE!!!! NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

And everyone was all sad for the Edward that was dry-sobbing.

Jasper stopped…and everyone stared at him. He grinned sheepishly, and said…yet AGAIN "Oops."

The Cullens learned: don't be hyper!!!!! Unless you want a cat that looks strangely like Edward to be killed…by Jasper…poor kitty…

Grave:

Here lies Mini-me(Edward)

May he rest in peace, and…

May no other cats that look strangely like Edward be in a house with hyper vampires…one of which can feel emotions…and was super-hyper…and be hyper…and get under the super-hyper vampire while he's bouncing at vampire speed…

**a/n ME. WANT. REVIEWS!!!!!! REVIEWSSSSS!!!!!!! C'mon!! it's not THAT hard!!! Oh, and the cat in the last chapter was from Warriors…oh, peeps, have you noticed my obsession with 'Witch Doctor'??? me like it…OOH EEH OOH AH AH!! Ok…now I'll stop…oh, and…ALL PEEPS READ THE FOLLOWING!! Has my kitty-deaths gotten less funny to you?? They have to me…or at least the graves…sigh…I only need lets see…17 more ideas, but lets not have someone sending me a review with 17 ideas! I may come up with my own, you know, and I probably won't use all of them, maybe one or two of them! MESSAGE OVER!! And out!!**


	12. Brokentail

-1**a/n do I not rock??? Yeah, I rock! And you know it!! THREE in a day!! Within an hour or two!! Do I rock? YES!! Now, to the story…an evil Warriors cat will die, just to tell you!!**

KITTY KILLER!

The day was normal at the Cullens house…until Alice came home with a sick kitty that had a broken tail.

Alice spent all her time nursing little kitty…unless she was shopping, so Jasper gots reals jealous of kitty.

Jasper decided to kill kitty one day…but then Alice caught the decision, so he decided to not kill kitty…or did he?

When she was gone, and FAR gone, to the Mall of America…it was a rainy day there, OK? And she was too far to get there before kitty died, Jasper 'accidentally' fed the cat some poisonous food.

Kitty died…and Alice showed up, and cried, and glared at Jasper, who pointed to Emmett who pointed to Carlisle, who backed up, and made Emmetts finger be pointing at Edward, who pointed at Rosalie, who just took a break from doing her nails, and backed up, making Edward point to Esme, who started to growl, and then Edward pointed to Jasper again, and then ran, and Emmett pointed to Jasper, and then ran, and then the rest of the family left, before Jasper could blame them, and then Jasper looked sheepishly at Alice, and pointed at the cat.

Alice tackled Jasper…

Until Jasper said…

"OK OK!! I DID IT!! BY ACCIDENT!!" and then more, until Jasper said, "OK!! ON PURPOSE!!!" and then she let go of all of him but his ear, and stuck him in a corner, and took away all his books…and made him listen to…dundundun…POP MUSIC!!

Jasper said his new phrase word, cuz he felt like it, and then whimpered pathetically as the rest of his family, minus Alice, Esme, and Carlisle, laughed at him and stuff…

JASPER learned: DO NOT KILL A KITTY ALICE LOVES EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grave:

Here lies Brokentail,

May he rest in peace(or not, considering he stole Alice…) and…

May no other cats be killed cuz Jasper is jealous of them…even though he did deserve it…

**a/n good. Bad. Made your eyes bleed? Made you cry? Rocked? Sucked? Whadd'ya think ub it?**


	13. Puck

-1**a/n YOZ! All of you, do any of you wanna be my beta? Oh, and I would like to thank whoever told me I could use there cat, Puck, and he may look different, I forget how you said he looked…but I can't find your review…and firesilk, for the idea of Jasper's killing method…but it's a PINCH different, oh, and ALL OF YOU PEEPS READ ASPEN'S DARK TWILIGHT FANFIC, AUDIO LIFE!! It's the bestest sad one I've ever read!!**

KITTY KILLER!

It was yet another boring day in the Cullen household…this time ROSALIE got the cat. But it was a long time before kitty died. The had a celebration for kitties first year of not dieing in the Cullens household, too!

Ahh, but alas, not long after, kitty was rolled up in a ball, the little black cat looked like a ball.

Jasper was bored, and saw the furry black ball, that was kitty. He had just recently gotten selective hearing**(a/n thank my English teach, but I'll tell you why at the bottom), **and did not hear the heartbeats.

He picked up ball, and ran to kitchen, being silly, and kicking the ball.

Once he was across from the half a football field long kitchen, from the blender, he kicked a little too hard.

His selective hearing stopped him from hearing the yelling of Esme, who was ticked off at the 'little mr. odd one, who just kicked the cat into the blender', and he went to the blender, put the top on, and pressed all the buttons till the blender started real hard, and the ball started to bleed…

"AAAH!!! THE BLOOD IS FILLED WITH BALL! Wait…THE BALL IS FILLED WITH BLOOD!!!! AAAAAAAH!!!!!" and ran in circles…

Bella fainted **(a/n I have to tell you another thing at the bottom too…but for now just know that Bella is in this one), **Edward caught her, and then yelled at Jasper, while he pressed all of the buttons, trying to turn off the blender, while Rosalie was crying on the floor, and Emmett was right there with her, crying, and Alice and Esme were making large dents in the wall with their heads.

Jasper finally turned off the blender, and said his trade mark thingy…"Oops…" but this time with a twist! He actually said…"Oopsy-Doopsy…"

Bella woke up, screeched in surprise because she had that thing that makes you forget everything…and then hit her head on Edward and fainted again.

Jasper was getting attacked by two CRAZY monkeys called Rosalie and Emmett, who wanted revenge for kitties death, when Bella woke up again. She screeched in surprise again, but this time because Jasper was winning!

Rosalie learned: next time I want a cat, DON'T GET ONE! Because sooner or later Jasper will kill it…

Grave:

Here lies Puck

May he rest in peace, and…

May no other cat's named Hockey stuff come across Jasper…unless they have a death wish…

**a/n first thing, I shall tell you the English story third…**

**Second, these skip around, in dates, so sometimes Bella will be in it, and other times she won't.**

**Third, in English, she was talking about how we needed to get something signed, so that we could get our pictures hung up, and she said, and I quote, "…so you can be hung…" and half of the kids were like "HUNG?!" all at once, and then one, this black, or whatever, boy, was like, "I don't want to be hung, too many black people have been hung already." and then she was like, "wow…8th graders have really selective hearing…" or something! It was soo funny, maybe not here…but at the time I was trying not to laugh to hard!!**

**Fourth, remember to read Audio Life!!!!**

**Fifth, READ AND REVIEW…well…review…you already read…or have you? Dundundun!!!!!!!!**


	14. Jeans

-1**a/n hi peoplez!! Thanks to Kirbystar 5 for the idea, of both name AND death. Geez…that seems mean…oh well!! I just have to tell you…my copy of Twilight is officially ruined…the cover has almost fallen off twice, and today, the cover, and first 2 pages, until she says thanks to Emily, fell off…cuz I accidentally dropped it, and this guy tried to pick it up for me, and it fell apart!! AND a chunk of the corner was falling off a while ago, so I tore it off, and now an even bigger chunk is falling off!! Once I get my mom to get me a new copy, I'm going to give it to some friends, cuz they both want to read it, and it's a piece of trash, so I might as well get rid of it! Or maybe I'll let my cousin(who for some STUPID reason hasn't read it yet…) borrow it, and then give it to my friends! Now…I'm too lazy to get rid of this super long a/n, so I now declare today, Live-with-it day! Still need a beta, but I'm looking, offer if you want!!**

KITTY KILLER!

It was not a normal day in the Cullen household…or was it? Dundundun! Well, Edward was bored again…so got a random cat that looked like a pare of jeans. Alice saw it, and for some reason, went and got kitty a kitty-jean-jacket!!

Kitty was bored, so decided to explore the house full of vampires…on an EVIL cat killer, to say the least…wellz…lets say that kitty was SOO tired at the end of her trip…cuz she was able to avoid the infamous kitty killer…that she went and took a nap. But that nap wasn't just anywhere, she took a nap on a pile of dirty jeans in Edwards' room!

It was Jaspers' job to do laundry this week, and…are you ready for it? Yes, you, the reader, the fun part is coming up! And the evil part…Jasper went into Edwards' room, with his super selective hearing on…and his headphones, for that matter…and he felt like being half blind that day, so he was squinting…and he grabbed kitty and pile of jeans alike.

He took them to the laundry, and put them in a washing machine…along with a couple of Alice's favorite white dresses…

He turned on the washing machine, and was reading one of Alice's fashion magz, when the laundry was done. He pulled out the white dresses first…and…(time to tick of Alice!)…THEY WEREN'T WHITE ANYMORE! They were actually a pink color…reddish…and VERY ugly…

Alice came in at that exact moment, and shrieked like she had just seen a dude with a white Jacket for her.

Jasper went in again, and pulled out purple-ish 'blue' jeans…along with a tail, that looked just like a pair of blue jeans…

Edward came in, and shrieked like someone had some 70's music for him and was going to force him into listening to it when he saw the tail.

The rest of the Cullens came in, hearing the freakishly twin-like shrieks coming from Edward and Alice.

Rosalie said…"OOH!! Your in trouble Jasper!! HA HA!!" like 5 year old twins do.

"Oops…" came from you-know-who…no, not him! He's from Harry Potter! Jasper!

All of a sudden, you could see 3 blurs of white, 1 blur of black, one of red, and one of caramel, shooting towards Jasper.

…**After the fight…**

Jasper was torn into bits, and his peaces were hidden all around the Cullen house and the woods surrounding the Cullen house, as everyone stared at Alice, Edward, and, yes, Esme, did it too! Edward and Alice then stared at their so called, 'motherly' mother, who just tore her son into bits.

"What? He ruined the washing machine this time, and he ruined the blender last time! I can't let any son of mine get away with that!" and Esme stalked off…

Edward learned: stop trying to be happy with a kitty…you know it will never work…and that certain bro of yours will always kill it sooner or later…he even killed Simon and Mini-me! I may have not liked Simon…but he DID share a name with a hated Am. Idol judge…and he was almost famous…

Grave:

Here lies Jeans

May SHE rest in peace, and…

May no other cats be near Jasper when he turns on his super-selective hearing, like Jeans or that last cat…poor last cat…

**a/n I just asked 2 or 3 peeps to be my beta, and I haven't gotten a response yet…have you read Audio Life yet? DO IT!!**


	15. Tigerstar

-1**a/n thank cara for this chapter! And the ONLY TWO of you, who voted on my poll for you, but yeah…your tied for the lead, so, after I finished a chapter in my fave story to write, that has no votes at the moment, I decided to give one of the stories in the lead a chapter, but come on! More of you vote, or Irresistible is going to outvote you! Here's you chapter!**

KITTY KILLER!

It was a normal day at the Cullens, and this time, Rosalie brought a cat home! This strong-shouldered, amber-eyed, tabby, who looked quite evil, was to replace her as the most avoided by everyone but Emmett creature! 

Jasper hated kitty, very much! So one day…he decided to 'accidentally' kill him…

He pretended to work with a pocket knife, practicing his low swipes, and so on, even though it was useless…it couldn't kill a vampire, and Jasper could kill a human by punching them!

He pretended not to pay attention to anything around him, including the cat, but made a specific move go across evil kitties stomach, the worst place for a cat to get cut…

He had, though forgot the fact that he hadn't hunted for a week, and was kinda thirsty…

He started to drink kitties blood, and after the body was empty, he licked up the blood on the floor! By the time he was done, there was no blood on the floor at all!

While Esme and the other Cullens were happy, Rosalie, was crying and pouting.

"Now I'm the most avoided person of the household! Cry!" she said.

Then, all the Cullens, looked at her, and ran at vampire speed to the other side of the room, away from her! All but Emmett…who kissed her…and then went to the other side…

"Oops…" Jasper said, while backing away, towards Esme.

Then, a flash of blond and white came after him. Rosalie tore him half apart, and then started to go emo…for some reason…

Rosalie learned: there's no hope in being not-the-most-avoided, unless a new, meaner vampire, for some reason, wants to become a vegetarian…for some reason…

Grave:

Here lies Tigerstar

May he NOT rest in peace, but go to the underground, and…

May no other super evil kitties join the Cullen family.

**a/n I have written about the deaths of 17 kitties, 2 from notes, 15 from here…and I can still cuddle with my cats…how do I sleep at night? Ha! Remember to vote on the poll! Thanks to the voters, whoever you are! And if you voters haven't reviewed yet, review now!**


	16. Paula

-1**a/n hello! I realized that I forgot to have my beta, BlueFox****beta last chapter, but, also, she isn't on as much as I am, so she may only be on 2 or 3 times a week, and it may take a little bit longer to get chapters up…you're in the lead of my poll, the other stories all have 2 votes, you have 4, but keep voting, cuz they will probably beat you out if you stop! I also won't write unless I get MORE than like, ONE review per chapter, which is what I've been getting lately…actually, I'll give you this chapter, and next chapter, but after that, I want 55 reviews before I continue…you 11 people or more can do that for me! And this story IS more than half way done…I'll stop ranting now…**

KITTY KILLER!

It was a day like the day in the second chapter of KITTY KILLER!…boring, until… 

Emmett had gone out, and brought another cat from off the streets…or he SAID it was off the streets… 

All the Cullens and Bella were hanging in the back yard, Bella eating a burger, made by Esme, when Emmett walked by, whistling, trying to hide kitty underneath his shirt…it just made him look pregnant…and like the baby was a cat…who was wriggling inside him… 

Bella walked up to him, and stared at his face for a few seconds, looking almost like a deer caught in the headlights, only a little more comical than a real deer. She then stared at his stomach with the same eyes, and then...she poked it! Over and over again, until the 'baby thingamajig' bit her finger, but it didn't bleed, thanks to Carlisle and Edward! (…well, they had nothing to do with it, but you get the point…) 

The next second, kitty had escaped from Emmetts belly, and jumped into Carlisle's lap. 

Carlisle sighed, as Emmett bounded over like an overgrown 4 year old, and grabbed kitty, pouting. 

"MY KITTY!" Emmett said, in a babyish voice. 

"Then why does the nametag say 'Garfield's sister, Paula'?" Alice asked. 

"That's not a name tag! That's a…a…piece of trash! Yeah…a piece of trash…it got caught around a belt, that got tied around her neck, and then sparkly rocks got thrown at her, and stuck to the collar…" Emmett said, his shifting his eyes around nervously. 

"That's the same excuse you gave for Simon…" Rosalie said. 

"Well…this time it's true!" Emmett said. 

"Then how comes it looks like a skinny version of Garfield, but a bit girlie-er…?" Bella asked him. 

"FINE! You caught me!! I missed Simon…I wanted to have a kitty that looked like Simon, and wasn't famous, but almost famous…" Emmett jabbered on…and on…and on…about why he didn't want a famous kitty, "and in conclusion, I just don't!" 

"Okaay…" Alice whispered. 

At that very second, Emmett dropped Paula, and snapped at Alice, and Paula jumped on Jasper… 

"We all know what's going to happen, and I'm thirsty! So let me drink it's blood already!" 

"NEVER!" Emmett yelled, but all the others held him back, and let Jasper drink Paula's blood. 

"Not-so-Oops…" Jasper said. 

"What is up with Garfield's owner, and American Idol Judges…" Bella asked. 

They then all shrugged and walked off, but Emmett, that was still trying to cry over Paula's dead body… 

Emmett learned: STOP TRYING TO STEAL GARFIELD'S RELATIVES!! 

Grave: 

Here lies Paula, 

May she rest in peace, and… 

May Garfield's family be left alone by Emmett already! 

**a/n I had the strongest urge to kill someone related to Garfield again, but didn't know a way to kill it…I need some deaths, I am almost out!(that sounds weird…)**

**DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW AND VOTE!!**


	17. Randy

-1**a/n you may be getting this the same day as last chapter, or not…it depends on when BlueFox finishes this chapter, and last chapter…yeah, I wrote these on separate days though, and you are in the lead still, by ONE though, now, and once I update second place, and they vote, you may just get behind…try to vote for your fave fanfic of mine!! **

KITTY KILLER!

Let's cut to the chase. 

Emmett was bored, and missed Paula, so…(I guess you can guess this one) he stole Garfield, Simon, and Paula's…(not sibling, but…) DAD! 

Emmett got the old feller and stuff, and at home, said that Garfield's owner didn't want his dad anymore. 

"Then why does he still have that beautiful thingy collar that looks like Simon's, but says 'Garfield's dad, THAT WE WANT TO KEEP!! Named Randy'?" asked Rosalie, in her know-it-all attitude. 

"Uh…Um…they…um…FORGOT TO TAKE IT OFF!! Yeah…forgot to take it off…that's it…" Emmett mumbled, half to himself, as if to reassure himself that it was all right to steal a cat...which it wasn't. 

"Suuure they did…" said Edward, not really paying attention to that, but paying attention to Bella, who was sad and stuff, because she never gets to bring a kitty to be killed be Jasper. Awww, poor Bella. Back to the others... 

"Don't you think I would have seen it if Garfield's owner didn't want Garfield's dad anymore?" Alice said, reading a fashion magazine. 

"I don't know…" Emmett said, talking on the phone with someone for no reason, then hung up, "Oh, what?…no, I don't think you would…" he said. 

Well, Jasper was being ultra-weird, and when a mouse came in the room, and kitty started to chase it, he decided to act like an elephant and start shrieking, and jumping around on tiptoes and so on, as kitty and mouse ran around below his feet. 

Soon, Jasper had accidentally stepped on kitty! That's right, the kitty was killed! By Jasper! Again! Like, the seventeenth or so cat…geez…Jasper needs to be more careful… 

All of a sudden, Bella decided to say something. "ANOTHER cat related to Garfield named after a Judge on American Idol! What is WRONG with Garfield's owner!" 

Emmett learned: there are no more cat's related to Garfield to take…sadly… 

Grave: 

Here lies Randy. 

May he rest in peace, and… 

May Emmett stop stealing Garfield's family, and may they stop being killed by Jasper! 

**a/n ok…I don't know if this was great, but it was fun to write! So yeah…here's your chapter…**


	18. Snowflake

-1**a/n 12 chapters to go until the end, and you're in the lead, I think I'm just going to finish this one first, and stuffs, and then I'm going to work on the others…sigh…I am SOOO BORED!! Sooo bored…I need more ideas, though, ok??**

KITTY KILLER!

It was a boring day in the Cullen's residence…until Bella came over.

She had a cat with her, a big, white cat. The fluffy creature ran strait up to Jasper, and hissed like there was no tomorrow.

To learn how to not kill cats, Jasper had started to act like one, to Emmett and Edwards' great amusement.

He was in the middle of his 'bath' when the kitty had started to hiss at him.

He, being a fierce little cat-vampire-thingamajig started to hiss right back at the cat. Kitty was a stupid one, who kept hissing and hissing and didn't give up…starting a fight…

It only took about 10 seconds before Jasper killed kitty…

"NOOOO!!" Bella yelled.

"Oops…" Jasper said, AGAIN!! Thinking, _this method isn't working…_

"You've got that right!" Edward said, not laughing loud enough for a human to hear so he wouldn't hurt Bella's feelings.

"BUTT HEAD!! I SHALL NOT REMEMBER THIS IF YOU KILL ANOTHER CAT OF MINE!!" Bella said, then fainted…

Bella learned: She should not ask for a new kitty…but she probably won't remember this lesson…haha…

Grave:

Here lies Snowflake

May he/she(Bella could never figure it out…) rest in peace, and…

May Bella remember this lesson even though she probably won't…

**a/n geez…this is such a short one…and very bad…I just felt like writing something to get a chapter over with…but I won't be adding more until I get an idea and some time on a computer…**


	19. Dustpelt

**a/n ok, I am extremely busy lately…sigh…but I'll try to write some more on Thursday night or something, because I want to finish them all by a certain week and I also want to add it to a contest my friend found for me, and yeah…just know that I am PROBABLY going to write more lately…thanks again, to bluefox, for betaing, :-D**

KITTY KILLER!

Boy, is Alice being stupid…today she decided to adopt a pregnant cat and the kittens' father…

"Alice…do you not remember the other18 times Jasper has killed cats?" Rosalie asked.

"Yeah, but he'll be more careful with a mommy cat and daddy cat!" Alice said, having confidence in her husband.

"You have too much confidence in your husband…" Rosalie stated.

"You state things too much!" Alice said.

"Wooooow…" Rosalie said, ignoring Alice now as Alice put the cats in her room.

**Later on…**

Jasper has been in a very untrusting mood today…so, he has been doing the trust day all day.

He is in his room with Alice, who has the daddy cat on her.

He stands up in front of her, and says nothing…then…

BAM! He falls before he means to fall, and the cat is still in Alice's lap! Alice isn't paying attention, and a second later, Jaspers' head is in her lap!

But sad news…the cat's body was in her lap too…even though the cats head was on the other side of the room.

Alice shrieked. Growled, and then beat up her husband that's way taller than her as he whimpered in the corner.

"Oops!" he whimpered out after the beating.

"OOPS IS RIGHT, YOU BUTT HEAD!!" Alice yelled louder than Emmett could, making Jasper shrink further into the corner.

With that, Alice beat him up more, and then ran to Rosalie and asked her why she was having visions when that was Alices' job.

Alice learned: Jasper's a big butthead who kills too many kitties. And he's afraid of me. And I can yell louder than Emmett. And I learned a lot today. And mommy cat and her kittens are in danger.

Grave:

Here lies Dustpelt

May this orange tabby cat rest in peace, and…

May his kittens live to see, hear, and other senses!

**a/n aaah…my fave 2 words at the moment are boom and butt head… :-D hehe…I know I am a weird girl, but yeah…I like this fanfic and want it done sooner rather than later!!**


	20. Sanjaya

**a/n hello all!! I would like to thank my beta, Bluefox, for this idea, and next chapter's idea is from Sally Eric. Thanks, both of ya!! I'm entering this story in a contest, I don't know if I said that yet, but I am, and I have to finish it by June 11 th, so expect loads of updates now!...omg…my cat's going bald…cuz she licks herself too much…TEARS. Haha…well, now I'm going to write about another kitties poor kitty death…**

KITTY KILLER!

Today is July 11 th, the day of the carnival coming, in Forks land, a year before Bella comes! Dustpelts babies have been born, and now all 3 boys are older! Yaaay!

Well, anyway, Jasper decided to go with one of the kittens, the one that's obsessed with hair and fur!

Jasper was in a daredevil mood that day, as well…let's not forget that!

He took kitty on to the scariest ride there! The Ultra Mega Super Duper Vampire Werewolf Tunnel Of Love.

Now, while riding it, Jasper sees a hairy beast in the full moon, a 'werewolf' as they believed it was, and a fang wearing, pale, black haired, cape wearing, girl next to him, holding hands.

Seeing this, Jasper starts to shriek in fear, because that was SOOOOOO scary…

Next, they saw a 'vampire' kissing a werewolf on the cheek.

He started to squeeze kitty.

Then, around a turn, came the SCARIEST PART OF ALL!!

A vampire and werewolf holding hands underneath two palm trees.

He shrieked again, and every one around him stared at him like he was a freak. A HOT freak, but a freak, non the less. And he IS a freak.

Aaah. But that was actually NOT the scariest part ever…next came the…

_**The next part as been removed because of the rating of this story and not wanting to change it**_.

WAAAAIIIIITTT A SECOND!! How is the next part…not good for the rating??

_**Is this not the story, 'EDWARD'S A HOT VAMPIRE!!'?**_

Uuuh…no…this is the story KITTY KILLER!

_**OOOOH! Then continue…**_

Well…then back to normal…

Next came…

A WEREWOLF PROPOSING TO THE VAMPIRE!!

Jasper shrieked again, and started crying like a baby for his mommy, who died long ago…then when he realized this, he cried for Esme, who was too occupied with Carlisle in the ULTRA MEGA VAMPIRE MEETS VAMPIRE TUNNEL OF LOVE.

Then came the REAL scariest part…seriously, this one IS the scariest part…

THE VAMPIRE SAID YES!!

Jasper started to whimper while squeezing the kitty so tight that he heard cracks, but he ignored it…

When he left the love tunnel, eyes closed, Alice came over to nag him, seeing the kitty in his arms.

She growled at Jasper lots and lots, Jasper opened his eyes, shrieked, and started to run.

Alice was right behind him…

When Jasper stopped, it was cuz it was a week after he started and he needed to hunt badly…

Stupid Jasper.

Alice came after him and started to tear him to bits. Then the others came, and watched as their brother/son got torn up by his wife.

Then Alice put them above a fire, growled at Jasper more, and threw half of them on the ground around the fire. Then she ran…and ran…and ran…and ran…

_**1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 …'and ran's later…**_

She put the rest of Jasper down somewhere in Greece.

Then she ran across the ocean again, and went back to the Cullen household.

_**1 month later…**_

Jasper walked in.

"Oops…" he said, seeing Alice glaring at him.

"BUTT HEAD!" she yelled. Then she beat him up, tore him apart, and ran around the world, putting a piece of him in EVERY SINGLE COUNTRY on the face of this earth.

The same thing happened once more…

"I hope you learned your lesson, butt head!" Alice said after he came back the next time.

Then Rosalie came in and said…

"What's with the name Sanjaya for the cat!?"

Grave:

Here lies Sanjaya

May he rest in peace, and…

May no other cats named after American Idol contestants be killed on a weird ride with Jasper

**a/n so this is the chapter that is part of the contest. That little part in the middle was random…sorry bout that…I got weird…now I must start on homework…it's not that much today, and I'll be able to live with it for now…**


	21. Clay Aiken

**a/n YAAAY! Next chapter! YAAAY! Not to mention I finished my homework…YAAAY! And it's not super late!! That's a rarity…now I shall write about another cats death…haha…that sounds weird…**

**Disclaimer: I'm bored…AND I'M WRITING THIS…therefore, I DO NOT own the Twilight saga…other than my own copy of each book, and a copy of The Host…**

KITTY KILLER!

It was yet another day, not July 12 th, though, and someone was having fun with her little kitty…

DING DING DING! You got it right! Rosalie!

…oh, you said Alice? Oh…well…BZZZT! WRONG!

ON WITH THE STORY!

So Rosalie was playing with Sanjaya's bro, one that was considered a red-headed dorky kitty with glasses-shaped spots around his eyes, that she loved because it was so inferior to her yet not a human.

She had to leave kitty soon, she was getting thirsty, and the only one that would be home would be Jasper.

You may be thinking now, _HOW STUPID CAN THE CULLENS GET!?_ but alas, it's because I need the funniness…

Jasper tried to ignore kitty…knowing something would go wrong…

But alas, kitty wanted attention…stupid cat…coulda lived…

Jasper was ticked at kitty, and stuck kitty into a bag for the fun of it, closing the top of the bag.

The rest of the day, he had fun alone…

When Rosalie got home, she was bored of kitty and didn't even realize it was missing, cuz she and Emmett had decided to…have fun in their room…alone for a whole week.

_**A week later…**_

Rosalie and Emmett were out hunting, Jasper had hunted after everyone else came home, and forgot about the cat.

This was until…

_**To Be Continued…**_

_WRONG STORY AGAIN!_

__

_**Sigh…I can never get it right…**_

I'm sure you will, sooner or later…

_**I've been doing this for 10 years!**_

…Ok…then I feel sorry for you…have fun…

BACK TO THE STORY

Twas was the night before the day after the day above…

Aka, the day above…

When Alice shouted quite loud, in fact.

She ran to Jasper. Growled and hissed and growled some more.

Some people believe she grew 100000000 times scarier that day…

_WAIT A SECOND! That sounds like a mix of Christmas things…_

Ok, so she did grow scarier that day to Jasper.

She then took the bag behind her back, with the dead kitty in it, and beat Jasper with it until it broke.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY KITTY!! THE CLOSEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO A KID!! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Rosalie yelled, remembering again that she was supposed to care where kitty was.

With this, Alice and Rosalie decided to beat up Jasper, tear him up, put his shredded parts each on one of those things on the Great Wall of China, you know, those things that castles sometimes have? The ones that go up and down box style? Yeah…those…

A month later, Rosalie saw Jasper walk into the yard, ran to him, pretended to hug him, as if sorry, and stabbed her newly-manicured nails into his back. She then sighed and wished that he was a human like Mike! Then she could kill him easily for killing kitty…

Then Emmett came in and said…

"Who named the cat after an Am Idol star?"

Rosalie learned: don't get close to a kitty, cuz Ja-Jas-Ja-Jasper will ju-us-ust kill hi-im.

Translation; don't' get close to a kitty cuz Jasper will just kill him.

Grave:

Her lies Clay Aiken

May he rest in peace, and…

May no more kitties in his family be killed because they were bored and wanted to play with Jasper

**a/n noooow now now…like it? Love it? Want to kill me? Burns your eyes out? Makes you cry of boredom? Are you now planning suicide cuz it was so horrible? Or did I do good? **


	22. Chris Daughtry

**a/n omg! I forgot to update the last 2 chapters when I made them...so now you get like, 3 or 4 whole chapters in a day! in MINUTES! I wanted to finish this in 2 days from now, so I need more idea's...there's another 7 chapters, so if you think of one, tell me! I may not be able to use them all, if I get 8...I'm gonna go...**

KITTY KILLER!

It was a bad day for Jasper. Yes, he was in charge of watching the last survivor of Dustpelts family. We KNOW that's bad news, now don't we.

He went to the mall, to find something to feed it, cuz they had run out of cat food, and it refused to drink blood…(Jasper had thought, after the kitty refused… pshaw! Fine! More for me!)

Well, he walked past a bunch of PMSing girls…like, LOTS with such strong feelings that they controlled HIM, not the other way around…

So he started to be in a bratty mood, cuz they were also all spoiled brats too! So kitty got out of his arms…cuz it felt like it…and Jasper started to stop around, making a complete fool of himself.

Kitty was trying to escape, but…hmm…Jasper was running in circles around it!

Kitty tried to run out, but his tail got caught under Jaspers' foot.

Then, kitty tried to run around and get under other way…but, to his great sadness…Jasper was on that side now…and almost stomped off his whiskers! He waited a second, stunned, and turned to the other way…to run…

Only to get his head squished under Jaspers' foot.

The girls all said…GASP! Or, EL GASPE! Or something along the lines…

Jasper stopped dead in his tracks and looked at his blood-and-brain covered foot. He started to cry like Alice does, until Alice comes, and he shrieks really loud.

Alice got mad cuz this cat could make his meows sound like music!

So then…Jasper got in trouble and had to do all of their chores for a decade. Or not. Who knows. Let's just say yes.

DONE

Or not

Alice learned; stop trusting Jasper around cats and pmsing girls.

Grave;

Here lies Chris Daughtry

May he rest in peace, and…

May no other cat be near Jasper when Jasper is near a bunch of PMSing girls

**a/n sooo…wha'd'ya think? IDEAS, people, IDEAS!!**


	23. Fantasia

**a/n OMG!! Yeah…I got more chapters beta-ed a while ago, but just got a chance to update NOW! Sorry! I need about…oh, AND the chapter about Clay Aiken was Sally Elric's idea. I accidentally wrote Sally Eric on another idea too…sorry to her! AND I AM NOT ACCEPTING IDEAS! If you send one, I'll read it, but I won't use it unless it's way funnier than one of the ideas a friend gave me…**

KITTY KILLER!

Jasper had forgotten about the MOTHER of the KITTENS…like Dustpelt had given birth to them! Pshaw…he's so weird…

So yeah, he finds out a few days later, that to get back at him for killing the other lots of cats, Alice is going to play with kitty lots, and give kitty all her attention! (well, all the attention she WOULD be giving Jasper…)

Sooner or later, Jasper knew that she would have to leave…so he would be patient…but he KNEW that sooner or later…he would be given a nice, white, jacket and a trip to a sponge-room if the cat lived for too long…

She ended leaving to hunt 'sooner', needing more restraint so she didn't kill kitty HERSELF.

So Jasper got HIS CHANCE! To rule the world? Nah…that would take ages. BUT his chance to kill kitty!

Well, he chewed up a bit of kitty food…with his mouth full of venom! Cuz venom kills kitties…and all…

So after he chewed it up, he forced itty bitty soon-to-die kitty to eat.

Kitty did…and as expected…10 seconds later, after a screech of pain that Alice probably could have heard, it died.

10 MILLIseconds later, he got a call from Alice!

"Sigh…" he said. Note, he didn't actually sigh, he just SAID sigh…

He answered, and heard something like the following…

"OMCEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! YOURADEADMANISWEARYOURADEADMAN!! I SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEARIT!! HOW DAAAAAAARE YOUKILLKITTY! HOWDAREYOU!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!"

In a high soprano voice. Followed by a long, horrifically loud and high shriek that's so high that only vampires could hear that he didn't even need his ear to the phone to hear it…clearly….

He cringed, then ran to his room to hide…even though it was useless…

Alice then repeatedly tore him apart and let him put himself back together…then got a manicure…then tore through his back while pretending to hug him…stealing it from Rosalie.

Then Rosalie came in…and said…

"Again with the American Idol star name…"

Jasper learned: STOP KILLING KITTIES! It only gets Alice mad…

Grave:  
Here lies Fantasia  
May she rest in peace, and…  
May no other cat get on Jaspers' bad side…that's all I have to say…

**a/n JUST had to tell you, NO MORE IDEAS!! I finished getting them from friends and stuffs…sorry if you had an idea!**


	24. Kryptocat

**a/n hello now! I stayed up late to write this, a week ago, and haven't gotten a chance to update until now! I only have next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday(June 2, 3, and 4) OOH! And thanks to fire among us, who said this idea…it made me laugh. Maybe you imagined it differently…**

KITTY KILLER!

This day was so far from normal, it was like…normal was the sun, and Pluto was this day! NO!! some far off planet that we don't know about…THAT far! Or Planet X!

Why? Well…that's just cuz of the spaceship that landed behind the Cullens' house in the middle of the night…well, 3 AM…

When they get to it and break of the door, made of solid steel, out comes a flying…thing…

No, not a thing! A SUPER POWERED CAT!!

"OOH! Let's keep him!!" Emmett said.

"Are you SURE that's a good idea? We have Jaspe- I mean…the…EDWARD!" Rosalie said, after Jasper glared at her.

"WHA?! Oh…I was just out here with…Bella…behind this bush…" Edward said, with a bit of Bella-slobber in his hair.

"One, it's Jasper that's the problem, two, what's up with the Bella-spit?" Emmett said, thoroughly confused.

"HEY!" Jasper said, trying to attack Emmett, but yeah…don't work…

"Bella-spit, Eddie?" Emmett repeated.

"I just pecked her, and she started attacking me! Don't blame me!" Edward defended himself.

"Who cares. Now, why do you want the super duper cat?" Rosalie said, not really caring.

"Hmm…I don't know…maybe cuz it can FLY!! FLLLLYYYYYYYYYY!!" Emmett said, doing something like what Josh on Drake and Josh on Teen Nick does.

"Oh, and he can read minds, see the future, control/feel others' emotions, has super strength, senses, and speed." Edward added to Emmett's over-reacted statement.

"AGH! IT TOOK MY POWER! NOW I'M NOT SPECIAL!" Jasper yelled.

"What about me?!" Alice said, feeling unloved cuz she isn't the only person-or cat- that could see the future and so on.  


"Hullo, mind reader here, feeling unspecial!" Edward spoke, ungrammatically.

"I WANNA KEEP HIM!" Emmett interrupted, acting like a 2-year-old…a smart one who could talk, but one, still!

"FINE! Keep the little butthead…" Alice said, copying Emmett's 2-year-old act.

Only by 3 PM, the special peeps had no attention, and kitty was using the others too much…

So they came up with a plan!

If this cat was like Superman, the super duper man, than he couldn't stand up to kryptonite! So there you go…give it kryptonite, and it dies! MWAHAHA.

Alice gave a witch laugh…a little evil cackle she never got to use before…cuz it scared Bella, who was sitting in the corner, scared…

They got the kryptonite(don't ask me how…I was paying attention to super duper kitty witty…)

So yeah…they said…

"KITTY!! SUPER TREAT!!" and it came-a-flyin' like a bird.

It got near the kryptonite…and started to SHRINK!

By the time it got next to the kryptonite, it was a bit bigger than a fly. Edward stomped on it, to finish it off, and te three little attention lovers got their attention…

"ALA BADA GASP!!" Emmett said.

They all sighed, but decided they were bored of kitty anyway…

So then…

THEY WERE WEIRD

And got back to their normal lives.

Emmett learned: Edward IS the problem! I should trust Rosalie more often…but then again, she told me that faeries are as real and Vampires….and we all know that's not true! Vampires don't exist…faeries do…

Grave:

Here lies Kryptocat

May he rest in peace, and…

May not other cat that can see the future, control/feel others' emotions, and read minds come across Edward, Alice, and JASPER!

**a/n thanks again, fire among us! Yeah…I was tired when I wrote this, it was almost midnight and I hadn't gotten enough sleep lately!**


	25. Cloud

**a/n hey, have you seen Breaking Dawn's first chapter and cover? Both rock! Midnight Sun's cover? That one rocked too! I'm gonna try to finish this story as fast as possible, and all…I honestly want to get it over with, so I can work on Rosalies, and get a lot of it done, and be ready to continue it when Breaking Dawn comes out…and I have to work on the story Am I Dreaming? With Kait1993…it's on her profile, check it out!**

KITTY KILLER!

It was Bella's BIRTHDAY! EL GASPARDO!

Yeah…so Jasper was trying to bake a cake…as if he could bake!

Well, he had a short attention span…so when he was making the cake mix, he didn't realize that the cat that Edward had gotten Bella for her birthday walked into it. He kept mixing away!

He baked the cake, while drooling venom, while watching a mosquito filled with fresh blood. When he got it out, he saw the tail, eyeball, and ear of the cat... DEAD!

Yeah…so he waited a few secs, and when Alice didn't see it, he took out the bits of cat, stuck it in the box that Edward had told him to put kitty in, and made a new cake, with the mosquito in it!

When it was time for Bella's party, Jasper had forgot to take out dead kitty!

Well, now Bella wasn't allowed to open gifts, after the 'New Moon' incident, and Alice opened the gift from Edward, pointing it at Bella, thinking a nice little kitty would meow at her with big eyes, but then she heard Bella shriek, Edward scream and growl, and Jasper squeak.

She checked it out, said "Ella Bella Wella Gaspardella!" and then got looked at by Bella, who had heard her name…

"Wha?" she said.

Then Alice said nothing, and ran after Jasper, who had decided to hide in an icecap in Antarctica, which is a bad idea, considering that it's melting…

Alice caught him, after digging him out for a year, and killed him 5 times! GASPARDAGON!!

After the last time, he tried to explain what happened, but Alice yelled…

"I DON'T GIVE A SHITZU OR A HOOVERDAM ABOUT YOUR REASON!!"

aka, I don't give a beep or a beep about your reason.

Yeah. That kept happening, over and over again…then Bella got bored and turned off my computer and hyperness so I couldn't write super uber funny…

The mosquito learned: don't go near that strange pale human-rock-living thing when it's cooking, or a kitty will die, then you will die!

Grave:

Here lies Cloud

May he rest in peace, and…

May no other cat go in a cake mix that Jasper is mixing while watching a bug…

**a/n yar…so I'm slap-happy…and FULL! I went to a GREAT Greek restaurant…I can't tell you what…**


	26. Jacob

**a/n ok, so I just wrote one, and now I'm writing this one, and then a next, if I get a chance…but I plan on getting a LOT done!**

KITTY KILLER!

It was a weird day that day that Jacob came over…

All the Cullen's held their breath, not wanting to smell pooch, and Jacob announced a kitten he got her.

"I'M'A GONNA NAME IT MIKE!" she said, wanting to name it after Newton, knowing it would die…

She was answered with a "Nope, he's named Jacob, and only answers to Jacob and Jake."  
Then Jacob yelled over the Cullens…

"AND HE ATTACKS ANYONE WHO CALLS HIM MUTT, POOCH, DOG, OR WOLFY!!" making a point to NOT call him a mean werewolf nickname.

Rosalie said…"Yeah, I'm sending a lizard to you named Rosalie that only answers to Rosalie, Rose, Red-Rose, Incarnation of Beauty, or anything else to describe me that ISN'T leech, bloodsucker, vampire, and so on…"

Jacob scowled, annoyed at her, and handed over kitty!

Yeah…Jasper hated kitty…they ALL did…except Bella…she couldn't smell the wolf…

Well, Jasper was home alone about 3 weeks later, and the cat smelled like Jacob…scented…it (aka, peed on it…)...

So yeah…he basically ignored it…very well…

He blasted his brand new, black, iPod Nano, that Alice had gotten in pink, Bella in blue, and Edward in blue…and so on…so high so that he couldn't have heard Alice shriek if she were right next to him…

So yeah, he read his book and stuffs, and never paid attention to kitty, who was starving…

So kitty died! GASP!

Really…sooooo surprising…it's only one of the last 4 chapters of this fanfic…so surprising that Jasper kills one kitty in every chapter of the story called KITTY KILLER!

BACK TO THE POINT.

So since the cat was basically a werekitten, and Alice couldn't see she was surprised to see what she saw when they got home…

Then they all sighed, in happiness, but Bella, who said…

"YOU ARE SUCH A GARDEN HOE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY!! YOU KILLED KITTY!! KIIIIIIIIIIIITTY!!"

Yeah, so everyone was laughing but Jasper, who didn't know what was going on, and Bella, who was attempting to kill Jasper for killing kitty…

They finally pull Bella off, and then told Jasper what just happened…

They all lived happily ever after…all but Bella…which was the only one with a BEATING heart…

Jacob learned: don't even try to give Bella ANYTHING that lives…the stupid leeches will just kill it…

Grave:

Here lies Jacob

May he rest in peace, and…

May no other kitties given to Bella by Jacob be left alone with Jasper…or any of the leeches…

**a/n sigh…I'm BURNING hot…I think I'm gonna ask my grandpa to take me to this water park near by…so I can get WET and COOLED down! And just for the record…I'm NOT ON TEAM JACOB!! I just felt like making the grave sound like it was made by the wolves!**


	27. Genesis

**a/n I have to finish this story on the day it is now…June 10…so now that that is done!**

**Disclaimer: I AM NOT STEPHENIE! Get a life if you think I am…I can now confirm that they're only a buck-fifty at Walgreens!**

KITTY KILLER!

Once apon a time there was three unicorns on Unicorn Island…oh, wrong story…sorry!

So yeah…this is the one about Jasper and killing kitties and ect…I am now saying he tried to have another pet kitty…NOT smart…NOT SMART at all…

Don't worry…he doesn't take kitty outside…

They are watching a scary movie…well, it would actually be called 'Twilight Movie' in our world…cuz it's in the future, when it's out on DVD and oldish…so yeah. He's watching a marathon…the movies are Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. Yup. They all got movies. Yuppers.

Now I'm done…but the point is that he's on Eclipse, and Bella just...just…kissed…JACOB!! and found out she LOVED JACOB TOO!! GASPELLA! GASPALIE! GASPME! GASPISLE!! Ect.

So Jasper is holding kitty, hugging her, and got freaked out at that part. So he kinda squeezed his little superstrong arms around average kitty, and killed kitty!

Again, WOOOW!

Back to the story.

So now kitty is dead. Alice comes in, and they do the same thing they always do when he kills a kitty. Him getting killed, saying 'oops' ect…

Jasper learned: just stop trying to have kitties…it's not good for kitties' health.

Grave:

Here lies Genesis

May she rest in peace, and…

May no other cats be killed by Jasper while he's watching a movie about his brothers' wife/girlfriend, ect.

**a/n ok…this is one of the last chapters! I've enjoyed writing these, or most of them…some I did just cuz I was bored or something…but now I'm going to send this off, and work on one of my neglected other 2 stories, the readers may be mad…**


	28. Llama the Shrimpcat

**a/n YO! Almost done…last…2…chapters…I'll miss this story!! But yeah…I need to get some work done on fanfiction, and this is the shortest story to be finished…so there! I'll work on THIS now…**

KITTY KILLER!

Remember Kryptocat? Yeah…his spaceship is still in their backyard...

BAM!

CRASH!!

BOOOOOOM

OTHER RANDOM SOUNDS LIKE BOOM AND CRASH AND BAM!!

Waaaaaait…brb…

-goes to Cullens' back yard-

So I lied…Kryptocats spaceship is gone…in it's place is a UFO! Lets go party with the Cullens!

Yeah…this is boring…I'll describe what they are doing from a distance!!

So they're all surrounding the UFO…when Jasper says…

"It's a…UFO…"

Emmett, sighing, and looking at Jasper like he's an idiot, says, "NO! you are so…unsmarticle…it's an IFO!"

They all looked at him like "did you have a little too much drunken bear today?"

"WHO SAID THAT?!" said Emmett…

Wait…how can he hear me now…

"Oh, wait…I did have 10 highly intoxicated bears for dinner yesterday…"

……so he IS 'drunk'…

"I AM NOT DRUNK!" Emmett spoke to me while the others looked a little worried about his mental health, and how to restrain him…Carlisle knows the men with the white jackets would NOT be able to help…that's like trying to stop a dog with a bunch of butterflies!

"I AM NOT CRAZY!!" he said…

Ok, Emmett, you aren't crazy, the others are AAAALL crazy for NOT hearing me…

"Whew…that's a relief…" he said, and went inside to eat peanut butter.

"EMMETT!! YOU CAN'T EAT!!" Esme yelled after him…

So now Emmett and Esme are gone…lets watch THIS story unfold…

OMG! GUESS WHAT! There is…a…

No, not a dog, silly! A KITTY in the spaceship!

Yeah…so moving on…

Kitty has rainbow, but mostly pink, fur, and is really fat. Let's not forget that it looks like a SHRIMP!!

Why did it look like a shrimp, you ask? Well, that would be cuz it has a shrunken in, FLAT, nose and mouth and no tail…OOH! I forgot about the fact that the ears are FLAT against his head too…like, it looked JUST like a shrimp thingy!!

And it WASN'T named Shrimpy!

Esme and Emmett come out then…and Jasper…

No, Jasper does NOT go and hug the kitty! This is NOT Kitty Hugger: the story of all the kitties Jasper has hugged, is it?! If it is…I REALLY have to change the name…

It is? Oh…I'll change the name first thing…

HEY! It IS the right name! KITTY KILLER! Is the name! gah…

Ok, so yea, Jasper kills the kitty!! I know, surprising, right?

As he squishes ugly kitty under his toe, EVERYONE is laughing…BUT, no, not Emmett, everyone BUT Esme and Alice! Yup…totally…

So yeah, they're not laughing, they're glaring at Jasper.

And-big surprise-they TEAR HIM APART OVER AND OVER AGAIN!! Totally a HUGE surprise! and you KNOW it!

So yeah…that's it!

Spaceship learned: don't drop off your shrimp-like cats down near the Cullen household…

Grave:

Here lies Llama the Shrimpcat

May he/she rest in peace, and…

May no other weirdly close to shrimps, look wise, cats crash near the Cullen household

**a/n wow…I honestly think this one is kinda long! Not super long, or anything, but still…long for what I usually write…and I think this one is funnier that a lot of recent ones…what do you think?**


	29. ICarlisleJr or ICarly

**a/n OMTC!! I AM SOOOOOOO GONNA CRY!! The last chapter!! No more! TEARS! Ok, so I didn't't cry…but still…this'll be sad…I may have to rewrite this a lot of times…I want my last one to be GOOD! No…GREAT!!**

**kk…bye!**

**Disclaimer: I DIDN'T DO THIS AND WRITE BREAKING DAWN AND TWILIGHT! I didn't even think of half or more of the ideas! All I did was type it out and add some personal touches(and think of SOME)! Give a round of applause to all my awesome reviewers and idea-givers! (claps loudly in a circle formation and stands up, etc.)**

KITTY KILLER!

Ummz…I have no other ideas how to obtain the cat…so Alice buys a Carlisle like kitty!

Yeah…now WHAT am I doing…

JK, I know what I'm doing here, I've only done 28 chapters before this one!!

So yeah…Jasper is acting human kinda human…

Yeah! Just like YOU! and ME! And that guy/girl that you have a crush on! And that one that you hate lots! And that other one…and that friend!

Lets not forget like BELLA!

And not like the Greek Gods and Goddesses…or VAMPIRES! Or WEREWOLVES! Or FAIRIES! Or…umm…A BOOK! Or a DIAMOND! Ect…

Now that THAT is done…

So yeah…HOW is he acting, you ask?

Well…he pretended to faint…

I already did that? Well…I PROMISE this one is BETTER than THAT one…I PROMISE ON MY LOVE OF EDWARD CULLEN!!

Yup…that's a BIG promise!!

HUGE

GIGANTIC

GINORMOUS!!

And lots more words meaning really big!!

So yeah…

That stuffs happened…

And as Jasper was ABOUT to faint, for the 203505603234750540000505348923979943949 time that day…

Who can say that number?

It's like…203,505,603,234,750,540,000,505,348,923,989,943,949

2 hundred and 3 something, 5 hundred 5 something, 6 hundred 3 something 2 hundred 34 something, 7 hundred 50 something, 5 hundred 40 something, gazillion, 505 bobillion, 348 trillion, 923 billion, 989 million, 943 thousand, and 9 hundred and 49.

You try saying that three times fast!

Yeah…don't work…

Unless you're a vampire…

Or werewolf…

Or some other suprendo fast mystical creature…

Fairy, maybe! Or a witch!

Something or another…

But the point is that he fell LOTS that day.

That time, kitty was passing UNDERNEATH him!!

And…alas…

KITTY WAS KILLED!

HEEEY! That's not RIGHT! That's too fast and ect for a last chapter!

The last chapter MUST be over 2 pages! Maybe 2.5 or something…but a HIGHER number, got me?

Comprende?

No?

Too bad. Kitty don't die.

Yet

Yes, yet.

Kitty doesn't die YET!

Ok…now kitty got out from underneath him before he fell all the way, and was chased by a bunch of mystical creatures to the edge of a highway…

Yeah…

Kitty jumped into the middle of the road, and basically RAN across it…

No flying?

I know, you're ALL so sad that this kitty isn't half bird…sorry!

Too late for that…it's a Carlisle-like kitty, not a stupid…bird-kitty!

So get over it…and keep reading…

So yeah…running across a thick highway REALLY isn't safe…specially for a cat…

YOU GOT IT! Kitty was run over!

AH! But by WHAT kind of car? HUH? HUH? You got that right! YOU DON'T KNOW!

It was a semi…just to tell you…not really a CAR…but still…

Is it a car? I know NOTHING of cars, but that sports cars look one way, others look one way, ect…

So yeah…

What IS a semi put under…I would THINK truck…

I'll shut up with that now…

We're almost to 4 now! I KNEW I could make one big and awesome for you all!!

GO ME!

Going on…so now kitty is run over by a car…

Big surprise, ain't it?

Kitty died.

BAM! SOO surprising, I know…

But yeah…so kitty dies…as I SAID…and then Alice turns to Jasper…near the end of this 3.5 page chapter, and said….

"You know, this is still ALL your fault…" and she turned around and went back home, to wait for him so she could kill him in peace with Esme…

Jasper learned: YOU ARE A VAMPIRE! STOP TRYING TO BE HUMAN!

Grave:

Her lies ICarlisleJr. Or, as his friends call him, ICarly!

May he rest in peace, and…

May no other cats be scared into running onto a highway after Jasper falls on them, etc…

**a/n ok, it's officially DONE! And it's a total of 3.5 pages…YES! I feel so special, writing such a long chapter! Bye…read my other stories, PLEASE!**


End file.
